[The cameras fade in to a pyro extravaganza raining blue and green fireworks over a darkened ring in the center of the arena]
Jim Ross: Hello, folks and welcome to an action-packed night in the LGPWF. We are coming live to you from a sold out Verizon Center in your nation’s capital.
Jerry Lawler: JR, this crowd is electric (boogie woogie woogie)
Jim Ross: Jesus, Jerry. Did you just stoop to that?
Jerry Lawler: At least Im not slinging BBQ sauce..that would be pathetic
[Awkward silence]
Jim Ross: Well, anyway, the first match of the night will be between the…
[The lights go out and Michael Jackson’s Thriller begins to play. The crowd is ambivalent.]
Jim Ross: Here we go, King. The man known as Some Handsome Ass Dude makes his way to the ring and I cant say that hes been shy about the awkwardness of his shtick, King.
Jerry Lawler: Yeah, JR. This guy thinks hes the king of pop…Im the only king around here!
[The music stops and the lights go dark. Patton’s Colors plays and the crowd, representing the capital of the USA, gives a patriotic cheer. Ronaldus Magnus runs from behind the LGPWFtron, gives a hearty salute, and marches his way to the ring]
Jim Ross: Here we go, folks!!
[DING, DING, DING]
The Patriot, Magnus signals to the crowd and then charges towards SHAD who is still busy trying to take off his red leather jacket. SHAD is fleet of foot and dodges the attack, sending Magnus into the turnbuckle. The crowd boos furiously and SHAD grabs his crotch and laughs. Shad grabs the back of Magnus’ head and throws him backwards to the mat. SHAD moonwalks to the side of the ring, charges to a full sprint into the other rope, and before he drops a vicious elbow, removes the singular glove. A true ode to the people’s elbow—the crowd gives a cheer. Magnus pops up from the mat and both men are standing once more. The Two men engage in a classic test of strength to which SHAD, clearly in the losing end of the contest, drops to a knee, grabs Magnus’ crotch and screams towards the crowd, “WOOO HOOO” a la Michael Jackson. Magnus is not phased and drops a double axehandle to the spine of SHAD. Magnus grabs the legs of SHAD, flips him over, and twists his legs around into a Dean Malenko-esque texas clover leaf. SHAD is writhing in pain as he reaches for the ropes. The ref watches intently as SHAD is mere inches away from freedom. He continues to reach, desperately, but to no avail. SHAD finally succumbs to the torment and taps on the mat.
Spoiler:
Jerry Lawler: You know, JR, you are really starting to creep me out.
Jim Ross: Thanks, king. That’s my new goal.
Jerry Lawler: Um… okay? Well, before I get thrown into a hostel-type situation, lets get to our next match.
[Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir plays as a thunder/lightning display shoots across the LGPWFtron. Zane A. Sylum’s devious gait fastens as he struts to the ring in his trademarked hoodie]
[The Arena goes dark. Before the entrance music could be played, the crowd roars in a frenzy “BRIDGE, BRIDGE, BRIDGE”]
[Springsteen’s The River plays and the crowd sings along. The Bridge comes out and the place is at a fever pitch. The Bridge is donning the World Title Belt and it shines like none other as a single spotlight follows him to the ring. He climbs in, takes off the title belt, and hands it to the referee. The Bridge goes to shake Zane’s hand and Zane smacks it away]
[DING, DING, DING]
Zane smacks The Bridge in the mouth and the crowd is enraged. The Bridge stares at Sylum with the eyes of a killer. Zane backpeddles and scurries underneath the bottom rope and begins to walk towards the ramp. You can read his lips saying “Im out of here. No way.” The Bridge follows Sylum out of the ring and right as The Bridge goes to grab the man, Zane turns around and gives The Bridge a vicious clothesline to the floor surrounding the ring. Zane is insensed. He seems to barely be hanging on to his emotions and his overall mental stability. He begins to furiously stomp on The Bridge. The Bridge catches Zane’s fifth attempt and twists the attack into a takedown. The men begin to throw punches and The Bridge ends up throwing Zane back into the squared circle. The Bridge locks up with Zane, lifts him above his in a dramatized Goldberg-ian delayed vertical suplex powerslam.
The Crowd is chanting once more. The Bridge goes for the pin! 1… 2…
[The arena lights go out. A now too familiar orange glow begins to pulse on the LGPWFtron and it is the only light in the entire place. The pulse quickens and brightens as well. 25 seconds pass and the orange light quickly disappears. A voice mutters the single phrase, “See you soon” The Arena lights return]
Jerry Lawler: OH MY GOD, JR! THE BRIDGE IS KNOCKED OUT ON THE MAT AND ZANE IS ON TOP OF HIM
The referee stands confused and after looking at the ring official, slides to the mat and begins to count a pinfall for Zane A. Sylum. 1… 2… 3!!!!!!
Spoiler:
The Bridge: You know what, Bully…or or should I say *****, next week, the hiding in the shadows ends. You will meet me in this ring next Monday Night.
[The Crowd chants “BRIDGE, BRIDGE, BRIDGE”]
Jim Ross: WHAT A SCREWJOB, KING! THE MATCH SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED A DQ. OUR CHAMPION HAS BEEN DEFEATED. THAT BULLY FELLER BETTER SHOW UP NEXT WEEK!
Jerry Lawler: Yeah, but it was a non-title bout, JR.
[Stargazer, by Rainbow plays and the crowd goes wild. They begin to chant “EL GEE PEE. EL GEE PEE. EL GEE PEE.” The neurotic Stargazer awkwardly walks to the ring, with ill intentions on his mind, as OB GYN Kenobi is there waiting for him, kendo stick in hand.]
[DING, DING, DING]
Kenobi pulls the kendo stick from his waist as if it were a lightsaber and chokes up. He swings mightily at Stargazer’s head and connects. Stargazer’s brow is burst right open as the crimson begins to flow. Stargazer is unphased, wiping the blood from his brow and tasting it. He smiles eerily. Kenobi drops the kendo stick and jumps out of the ring—he begins to dig under the ring for goodies stashed by the commissioner’s henchmen and Stargazer slowly walks to the corner turnbuckle and waits for him to return. Kenobi comes out from the ring drapery with a satchel of goodies and hucks it into the ring. The contents spew out as they slam to the mat. It’s a veritable Hunger Games-like cornucopia of riches. Brass knuckles, tacks, a staple gun, and a small box labeled “do not use; vicious” Stargazer patiently wrings his hands like a man ready to devour a meal.
Kenobi picks up the brass knuckles and the staple gun. He charges at the bloodied Stargazer who very suavely dodges the attack. Stargazer grabs the arm of Kenobi that has the staple gun and turns it on himself. Stargazer begins to staple his own head! Kenobi is horrified at the amount of juice flowing from the head of his opponent. Stargazer grabs the other arm of Kenobi and begins to bash his mouth the knuckles of brass. Stargazer spits a cocktail of blood and a tooth in the frightened Kenobi’s face. Stargazer rushes to the satchel and procures the bag of tacks and sprinkles them on the mat near Kenobi. The knuckles are turned to Kenobi and he begins to wobble as punch after punch lands on the man, opening a hearty wound on the man’s right cheek. The crowd begins to chant the number of times the brass smacks skin. “7… 8… 9…” And Stargazer stops. Kenobi is wobbling and looks punch drunk. The crowd is beginning a “wwwhooooaaaa” chant anticipating the wrestler to fall into the pile of pain. And unfortunately for Kenobi, he does. Stargazer goes back to the satchel as the crow chants “EL GEE PEE” once more. He grabs the mystery box, pries it open and finds a strap. A strap much like he used in the Wrestle Revolution rumble, but this one is improved. Stargazer’s eyes light up as he removes the strap from the box, revealing a mangled strain of leather wrapped in thorns—A macabre amalgamation of horror. Stargazer runs over to the tack-riddled Kenobi and wraps the strap around his chest. The screams Kenobi emit are horrific. After 20 seconds of sheer terror, the referee calls the match.
Spoiler:
[The medical staff hurries to what looks like an opening scene of “The First 48”. Stargazer goes back to the corner turnbuckle and slyly leans as if it were no big deal, blood streaming down his face. The referee throws a mangled, rusted belt in the general direction of Stargazer and runs off. Stargazer looks at the belt, looks at the crowd, and then leans over and through the ropes. Stargazer walks away]
Jerry Lawler: What a bloody mess that was. Reminds me of this girl I was with in 9th gra…
Jim Ross: Alright, King. No one wants to hear that.
Jerry Lawler: You sure about that, JR?
Jim Ross: Im pretty sure of that one, bub.
Jerry Lawler: Is it main event time yet?
Jim Ross: Most definitely.
[Fugazi’s Break plays and Johnny Zontal, who is all business, runs to the ring and slides in under the bottom rope. This is followed by Creed’s My Own Prison. Munson fixes his tie on the runway and sloppily tries to tuck in his button down shirt. He awkwardly climbs the ring stairs and waits outside the ring, eyeing up Johnny Zontal. Both men turn their attention to the LGPWFtron as Billy Gunn’s entrance music plays for the man known as Too Sexy.]
The three men walk to the center of the ring as the referee tells them how he will be running the match. The Firm ignores the ref’s words and levels Johny Zontal. [DING, DING, DING] Too Sexy acts quickly as well and begins to stomp on the now laid out Zontal. Munson doesn’t appreciate the man getting in on his agenda and whips Too Sexy into the corner turnbuckle. The Firm climbs the rope in the corner and begins to pound on Styles’ face. The crowd counts along with the punches. “4…5…6…” As the crowd reaches 8, Zontal is on the prowl and scoops in to grap Munson off of the second rope and lifts him into a vicious tiger bomb. Munson and Styles both lay on the mat as Zontal signals to the crowd in celebration. He regains focus and runs over to Munson, wrapping the disheveled tie around his neck, cutting off his oxygen supply. Munson is furiously kicking, writhing in agony. He desperately reaches for Zontal’s eyes and rakes them. Zontal grabs at his own face in pain and the move is nullified. Too Sexy takes advantage of their feud and regains his footing, bounces off the far ropes and baseball slides into Munson’s face, making a horrific thud.
The egotistical Styles pops back to his feet and runs quickly to the near corner, top rope. He gyrates his hips and leaps. A vicious frogsplash lands directly on Zontal who was still grabbing at his face. All three men lay on the mat grabbing their wounded parts and the crowd is electric “EL GEE PEE, EL GEE PEE, EL GEE PEE” Styles is the first to his feet and grabs at the helm of The Firm. He lifts him to his feet, cocks back, and is defended trying to deliver the right handed punch. Munson brings Styles in for a hug and executes a strong belly to belly suplex—quite the agile move for Munson. Zontal takes advantage of the situation and drops his body on both men. Zontal rolls over and covers Styles …1…2…3!
Spoiler:
[Pantera’s Walk plays and the commissioner comes out from behind the LGPWFtron, mic in hand. The crowd’s cheers turn to boos]
Canaan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast, Johnny boy. I don’t know what you’re celebrating for. The road to the LGPWF title isn’t paved in taking advantage of other people’s efforts. You’ve got another wrestler in that ring just as worthy as you are. Just because you beat Styles doesn’t mean The Firm is eliminated. Get back at it.
[Canaan throws the mic down the runway and stares at the ring]
[Zontal is furious. He turns to Munson just in time for Munson to clothesline him to the mat.]
Munson grabs the head of Zontal and pulls him to the corner where he forces a boot against his face. Zontal screams in pain as The Firm’s smile increases. Zontal lunges his leg out and kicks Munson in the thigh. The kick does enough to loosen the boot off of Zontal and he rolls out of the ring. The referee begins a count out. Zontal regains himself outside of the ring, but begins to scream at the announcer’s table. The only words that are audible are “This should be over. This is bull****” Munson comes outside of the ring and the two men engage by the announcer’s table. Zontal wins a lock up and slams the big man into the announcer’s table smashing it to bits. Zontal sneaks back in the ring at a 7 count and the referee continues the count out count. Munson is unable to make it back to the ring in time and referee calls for the bell!
Spoiler:
[Pantera’s Walk plays and the familiar nemesis comes out of the curtain once more]
Canaan: Joooo-o-o-ohny, tsk tsk tsk. A countout? Really? You think that some outdated, bs way of ending a match is gonna be enough to win a shot at our world championship title?
[Zontal is baffled at the arrogance of the commissioner. His hands up in disgust]
Canaan: (looking at the ref) Do you want me to come down there and do your job for you? This isn’t that other Wrestling promotion with bull**** endings—lets do it legit.
Munson sneaks up on Zontal, grabs his leg from behind and rolls him up for a pin attempt. 1… 2… KICK OUT! In the nick of time, Zontal avoids the cheap pinfall.
Jim Ross: (sarcasm) I wonder if the good ole’ commish would’ve let that one stand.
Munson attacks again for a pinfall, but Zontal fights him off with a flurry of punches.
[Canaan is now ringside watching the match]
Zontal and Munson get to brawling. The two men take their back and forth blows outside of the ring, within arm’s length of the commissioner. Zontal gets the better of brawling and whips Munson into the corner post. A loud thud rings and Munson is out cold. Zontal picks up his limp body and rolls him back into the ring. Zontal signals to the crowd, who is now insanely behind the anti-commissioner wrestler. That signal means only one thing—The Horizontal. Johnny picks up Munson, holds him up in a dominator position, underhooks his opponent’s arms, and then swings him around into a double armed DDT—a vicious maneuver. The cover… 1..23!
Spoiler:
Canaan: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? THAT WAS THE QUICKEST PIN COUNT I’VE EVER SEEN?!? This match is under review. (five second pause) The review finds that the pin count was too quick and this match, while it may stand for now, will be a rematch between the two of you next week.
Zontal: I won fair and square… 3 times.
Canaan: The way I see it is you either take the re-match or you forfeit and Munson takes your place as the #1 contender…what say you?
[The crowd chants “You’re an ***hole” and Zontal smirks as he gives the Verizon Center patrons a confirming nod]
Canaan: I don’t have all day…what’s your answer?
Zontal: I guess I don’t have a choice.
Canaan: Good. So it’s settled. And just to make sure that the match is called on the level, Ill be volunteering myself to oversee the proceedings
[The ***hole chants are deafening. Canaan starts to laugh. He drops the mic and walks off. The screen fades to black as Zontal stands on the middle rope corner yelling at Canaan as he walks to the back and the ref is checking on The Firm’s knocked out body]
6/18/12 FIGHT CARD (LAST FIGHT CARD BEFORE THE PPV)
Spoiler:
you were gonna gnaw on his face after a lengthy bath salts diatribe,