Monday Night Showdown (6/4/12)

[canaan]

Jim Ross: Hello Everybody and welcome to a packed Wells Fargo center here in South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where we are coming to you LIVE for a special presentation of MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN.

Jerry Lawler: JR, we have a condensed, but event-filled agenda for tonight’s show so lets not waste any time listening to you yabble on about BBQ sauce and Sooner football, lets get to a special announcement relating to what happened with The Ayatollah not making it to the Wrestle Revolution.

[A large image of the waving Stars and Stripes comes onto the LGPWFtron, and the silhouette of a tall, well-built man appears, standing at full military salute. To the Colors begins to play. The man steps forward, into the spotlight. He's proudly wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, and he is still sporting a military-style crew cut. Pulling a mic from his inner pocket]

Unkown: Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the LGPWF...forgive me for interrupting so rudely. My name is Ronaldus Magnus, and I feel that I have some explaining to do. As you all know, the Ayatollah...

[The crowd roars with a thunderous “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The "Magnus" character smiles, and seems to acknowledge the crowd's sentiment. Politely holding a hand up, he continues]

Magnus: As you all know, the Ayatollah was unable to make his scheduled appearance at Wrestle Revolution. While I'm sure there are some people out there that were disappointed, I have a confession to make. After hearing some of the vile, incendiary comments he made, I made a quick decision that I don't regret.

[Magnus points up to the LGPWFtron, and suddenly, a picture appears. It's the Ayatollah!]

Spoiler:

[The crowd goes into a full-blown frenzy. Almost immediately, chants of U-S-A rise to a deafening level. Ronaldus Magnus stands there, graciously letting the fans get it all out]

Magnus: Dear fans of the LGPWF...I made an executive decision. As of Monday, May 28th at 12:30 PM, the Ayatollah is now the newest inmate at United States Naval Station Guantanamo Bay!!!!!!

[The crowd absolutely loses it. They are screaming U-S-A, and there are some people that brought American flags along that are waving them proudly. This goes on for several minutes. Finally, Magnus politely raises his hand again]

Magnus: I want you all to know, that this is going to be the first act in what is going to be a very, very active career in the LGPWF. You are all the heart and soul of this business, and I pledge to each and every one of you that I will stand for family values, American liberty, freedom, and this incredible country.

[The crowd starts to cheer, but he cuts them off]

Magnus: Oh, and lest I forget, I will be putting my boot in the ass of every single wrestler back there in the locker room, Republican or Democrat!

[The crowd is totally eating it up at this point, and he laughs and waves to them. ]

Magnus: Look forward to bringing glory to the LGPWF, and standing up for America. God bless all of you, and God Bless America!!!!

[Magnus salutes and walks off as the crowd chants mightily: USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!]

Jim Ross: Wow, King. That guy didn’t even really need a justification for doing what he did to the Ayatollah. He just walked all over the man’s civil liberties and sent him to Gitmo.

Jerry Lawler: That would never fly in a non-corrupt organization [he says tongue-in-cheek]

Jim Ross: I don’t know what we are insinuating, but lets move on before we get waterboarded. The next ord…

[Pantera’s “Walk” begins to bellow as the crowd begins to hiss and boo. The commissioner, Canaan, followed by his henchman come out from behind the LGPWF-tron and stands at the top of the runway with a conceited set of grins on their faces]

Canaan: Listen to you idiots whining like a bunch of ingrates. This reminds me of being back in Pittsburgh, but smellier.

[The crowds fury rages, the henchmen exchange chortles and high fives]

Canaan: Anyways, you pukes, I’m here to announce the first of next week’s first official fight card that will take place in this very arena. I’d say that we appreciate you guys coming to the arena tonight for the title ceremony and other stuff we have planned, but, against my wishes, we made this a free event. That being said, if you tubs of lard don’t swipe that EBT card at least 2 or 3 times tonight, you are even more worthless than originally thought.

[The arena goes black. An orange pulsing light blinks on the LGPWFtron and the crowd’s boos turn to a deafening roar. “BUL-LY! BUL-LY! BUL-LY”. The lights come back on and the commissioner is the only one standing on the runway and he looks terrified]

Canaan: ENOUGH. ENOUGH GOD DAMNIT! THIS ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. ESPECIALLY NOT HERE! WE PREPARED FOR THIS!

[The commissioner runs backstage]

Jim Ross: MY GOD, KING. This Bully fella has that pompous jerk in a tizzy—its incredible.

Jerry Lawler: If you ask me, he’s ruining what is supposed to be a special event for the LGPWF.

[An official leaves a note on the announcer’s table and scurries off]

Jim Ross: Well, uh, we have an announcement to make. The regularly scheduled fight card presentation that was supposed to be done by the commissioner right there, will now be just read aloud do you by myself and the King.

Jerry Lawler: Can you blame him, JR? With that psychopath running around? I know I don’t!

Jim Ross: Don’t be such a baby, King. The Fight Card for next Monday’s first show will be as follows:

Jerry Lawler: The commissioner has really liked what he saw from Johnny Zontal, Morkle Munson, and Sean Styles so we will be having a #1 Contender’s match in an epic three-way fashion..but not the epic three-ways you’re thinking of, JR.

Jim Ross: King, you are despicable.

Jerry Lawler: I know. Aint it great!

Jim Ross: Moving on, we will have the debut of Ronaldus Magnus as he takes on Some Handsome Ass Dude.

Jerry Lawler: The Bridge will also be in action as he takes on the enigma Zane A. Sylum in a non-title defense.

Jim Ross: That should be a good battle. I don’t expect that to go down without any surprises.

Jerry Lawler: And in our main event, We have a special treat for you all. In the very first LGPWF Hardcore Championship match, we have the cryptic Stargazer taking on the equally unnerving OB GYN Kenobi what should be a bloody affair. That is one heck of an opening night’s card, JR!

Jim Ross: You’re telling me, King.

[Pantera’s “Walk” plays and Canaan’s henchmen come out to the ring where the LGPWF World Championship Title is in a display case centered in the ring. The imp of the bunch, Minimum Talbeaux, looks visibly distraught, and the others have an uneasy look about them as well.]

Jay Tee Ohhargh: Lissen up, ya chumps. Boss man cant make it cuz dat jerkweed Bully fella cheapshotted us earlier in the night and boss man says we wasn’t worf our weight in dog turds.

[the crowd begins to laugh at the henchmen]

JT: Shut it, ya jerks. Anywho’s, were supposed to come out heey and present Da Bridge wif dis title belt. Boss man says to cheap shot duh bridge guy after we give him da title.

[Minimum Talbeaux motions for JT to lean over so he can say something in his ear]

JT: Oh, Mini pad over hee says dat I shouldn’t have said dat out loud. Ims not too good with memories stuff. Sorry bout that.

[The Crowd begins to chant G.E.D! G.E.D.! G.E.D.!]

JT: I don’t get it. What’s “’JED” mean? (long pause) Anywho’s…Bridge guy, come out heee and get the title belt, naw mean?

[The Lights go out in the arena. Bruce Springsteen’s “The River” wakes the crowd into a frenzy. The LGPWFtron shows highlights from the Wrestle Revolution and when the final pinfall takes place, The in-house fireworks spray an epic display. The Bridge, carrying his sledgehammer, jumps out of the trap door in the runway floor and the pop from the crowd is electric. He has a stearn look on his face as he makes his way to the ring. He cautiously enters the ring and the henchmen stand huddled in one corner as the Bridge grabs a mic from the ring floor]

The Bridge: I am…

[The henchmen go to attack the bridge, but are quickly eliminated by a few easy swings of the sledgehammer. The crowd is at a fever pitch. He swings one final blow into the glass display case that shatters completely. The Bridge drops the sledge, picks up the title belt and stares at it. He turns to the crowd, smiles and continues]

Spoiler:

The Bridge: Your World Heavyweight Champion!

[He runs to the corner turnbuckle and raises the title with both hands above his head as Springsteen blares once more.

Jim Ross: There he is, Ladies and Gentlemen. Your first LGPWF world champion—The Bridge. We look forward to seeing a full line up for next week as well as the first Hardcore title match as well. The Commissioner must have really been impressed with the weaponry Stargazer chose in the hornet’s nest and cant wait to see the violence take place then!

Jerry Lawler: JR, I have word from the LGPWFinsider that The Bully will be making his debut next week as well, so we’ll see if that guy knows what he’s talking about or not. It should be an incredible first fight night on Monday Night Showdown.



FIGHT CARD:
Johnny Zontal v. The Firm v. Sean Styles in a #1 Contender’s Match (Winner is guaranteed LGPWF World Title shot at PPV)
Magnus v. S.H.A.D.
Zane A. Sylum v. The Bridge (non-title bout)
Stargazer v. Ob Gyn Kenobi (LGPWF Hardcore Championship Match)
We may have another match added (TBD)

[shafnutz05]

Damn Canaan, just awesome stuff.

[Froggy]

{johnny zontal is speaking in front of his cheesy 80's style horizontal striped backdrop}

so, all the cats are out of their respective bags... you might think i am upset that i'm not challenging for the title next monday night. but looking at this card top to bottom, i honestly couldn't be happier. not only do i get to beat up two guys at once, but the Bridge is in a non title match, meaning he will still have the belt when i'm done wiping whatever is left of munson and styles off my boots.

but that's getting ahead of myself. i already learned that lesson the hard way. Let's take a look at my opponents, shall we?

Morkle Munson... a man of order and reason. A man with a sense of duty... a sense of right and wrong... See, i'm the opposite. i am an agent of random. they say i lack discipline... they say i lack that singular drive and focus... they might be right. For instance, I'm probably not cut out to be in the military. But i think I heard that you were in the military, Munson. except you changed your name. It used to be "Major A-Hole"... or was it "General Annoyance"? Either way, I know you were tough, because i keep hearing how you used to lock yourself in the barracks, and would just brutally pound the hell out of your privates.

And Sean Styles... You have worked hard on that physique. it's obvious to everyone. you are a moose of a man, with big manly moose muscles. You know who else is big and strong? Those guys on espn2 at 3 in the morning hauling beer kegs, and pulling tractor trailers with their teeth. I'm not trying to win a strong man competition, or a chippendale's dance off. I'm trying to win a fight, and i've already hurt you once. The truth is, you're not even in my league. the only thing we really have in common is the deli i go to for delicious sandwiches is in the same strip mall as the day spa where you get your b-hole bleached.

So bring on Munson... Bring on Styles... I am not going to guarantee an outcome, but i will guarantee there will be pain. there will be blood... and I WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!

[shafnutz05]

[youtube][/youtube]

The silhouette of Ronaldus Magnus appears at the top of the ramp....chants of USA begin

Ladies, gentlemen...fans of the LGPWF. It's good to see you again.

When I spoke with you yesterday, I vowed that I was going to make an immediate impact here. Well, we've already eliminated a terrorist sympathizer, so I think we are off to a good start!

I'm looking forward to my first match against S.H.A.D. next Monday night. Do you know why I'm looking forward to it so much? S.H.A.D. is your typical entitled punk that thinks everything in life should be handed to him. Why? Because he was blessed with, according to him, "sexiness".

This is exactly what's wrong with America folks. A bunch of sniveling, lazy people like S.H.A.D. wanting to kick back while the rest of the country gives him what he wants. I'll promise you all right now....he is about to learn a dear, dear lesson in what it means to have a true American work ethic.

S.H.A.D....your time has come my friend. The gravy train is about to make it's final stop. And when you step out, you are going to meet the business end of my calloused fist. God Bless each and every one of you, and God Bless America. <salutes>

[Malkamaniac]

[The arena goes dark and the crowd doesn't know what to expect after a few awkward moments of silence the crowd goes crazy as they hear The Firm's entrance song]


[youtube][/youtube]

[Morkle Munson slowly walks to the ring making sure everyone hears the song that reverberates in their soul.]

Well well well, it's good to see that Canaan and the rest of the LGPWF deem it necessary for me to waste my time with Zontal and Styles in a triple threat match. I mean if you look back to the first event, you'll plainly see that these guys did nothing but work together and take people out, so of course it's fitting that they now be considered for the #1 match with myself.

This upcoming event is going to be one that's remembered for years to come. The Firm is going to rightfully earn the shot at the belt while proving that Zontal and Styles are nothing more than mid card jobbers. While I don't always feel it's necessary to use violence to take care of my problems, I do believe this is the only recourse for the situation.

Believe you me, I AM READY.

[Morkle Munson goes over the rope and grabs a bag under the ring and starts handing out pictures of what Sean Styles used to look like before all his plastic surgery. Underneath the image it has the caption "This is your future champion?"]

[newarenanow]

[S.H.A.D. moonwalks out to the ramp, dressed in his finest zombit gear and red leather jacket]

Ronaldus Magnus, WTF kind of name is that. Some pansy azz politicing, golden spoon fed, yuppy ***** is a great description.

Sexiness is all that matters in this world. And the definition of sexy is me. [flexes muscles and spins grabs self]

You can go out and talk big words on how to save the world, how to ban coke at restaurants, and all of your other worldly crusades. But at the end of the day, I will be nailing some hot azz beaoch while you go back to your hotel room alone and play with your Ronaldus Minimus.

{moonwalks off the ramp}

[Twisted Wrister]

(Sean Too Sexy Styles finishes his run on a cool, spring day in Calif.)

Ahhhh, here it is. The mountain to the top is ahead of me and only two men stand in my way. Morkie and Zoned Out. Sounds pretty easy, amirite? The commish has put in front of me a lab geek and spaced out, needs to be medicated freak. This couldn't get any easier right? WRONG. This is a huge challenge for me, to fight for the right to challenge the Golden Gate Bridge. For this I must swear off the ladies for a week, to prepare for the biggest night of my life. I'm sorry ladies, but Sean is putting himself first.

Oh and one last thing, you can find Morkie on twitter @badluckbrian

Spoiler:

(Styles continues his run towards Muscle Beach for a workout)

[newarenanow]

{goes into the center of the ring}

Ronaldus Magnus, or whatever the **** your name is. I want you to **** come down here and give me your best hyperbole and the other **** you try to spew to your followers. And once you **** bore everyone with that **** pooh hyperbole and other poopy stuff, I will introduce you to my two friends {brings out left hand in a fist} This is Godric {brings out right hand in a fist} and this is TheHammer.

They will set your weak minded **** straight.

{Looks into camera and points}

Hey kids, don't text while driving.

{stands in ring waiting}

[canaan]

6 promos in 4 days? im not impressed.

[newarenanow]

6 promos in 4 days? im not impressed.

**** off robot

[shafnutz05]

[youtube][/youtube]

Well well, it looks like S.H.A.D. has gotten his jimmies rustled, now hasn't he? S.H.A.D., do you know why you don't like me? Because I'm everything you wish you could be, and now you will never have the aptitude to get there.

Do you know why I have followers? Because across this fruited plain, people respect my voice as the voice of reason. In this day and age, with people losing their jobs and losing hope, I'm the single, unifying voice that transcends age, gender, and class. Do you know what you are S.H.A.D? You are another useful idiot that thinks you can get by because you have a toned body and a bleach job in your hair.

Not that I can blame you. No, no, don't get me wrong S.H.A.D! Intelligence is largely hereditary....if anything, I would be more inclined to blame your stupid parents than you. You just don't know any better...but that doesn't mean you can't be a great American. You just have to try harder than others.

So this Monday, when our match finally gets here, I promise to beat you so bad, my voice WILL finally get through to you. By the end of the show, you'll know the error of your ways and will be another believer in the vision that I have not just for the LGPWF, but for this grand and noble country.

God bless you S.H.A.D., and God bless America.

[newarenanow]

[youtube][/youtube]

Well well, it looks like S.H.A.D. has gotten his jimmies rustled, now hasn't he? S.H.A.D., do you know why you don't like me? Because I'm everything you wish you could be, and now you will never have the aptitude to get there.

Do you know why I have followers? Because across this fruited plain, people respect my voice as the voice of reason. In this day and age, with people losing their jobs and losing hope, I'm the single, unifying voice that transcends age, gender, and class. Do you know what you are S.H.A.D? You are another useful idiot that thinks you can get by because you have a toned body and a bleach job in your hair.

Not that I can blame you. No, no, don't get me wrong S.H.A.D! Intelligence is largely hereditary....if anything, I would be more inclined to blame your stupid parents than you. You just don't know any better...but that doesn't mean you can't be a great American. You just have to try harder than others.

So this Monday, when our match finally gets here, I promise to beat you so bad, my voice WILL finally get through to you. By the end of the show, you'll know the error of your ways and will be another believer in the vision that I have not just for the LGPWF, but for this grand and noble country.

God bless you S.H.A.D., and God bless America.

All this tells me is that you realize you are ugly.

[Froggy]

6 promos in 4 days? im not impressed.

Lol... I could literally write 2 or 3 a day, but that would be really obnoxious. I'm waiting for some others to contribute so it doesn't seem like spam

[shafnutz05]

All this tells me is that you realize you are ugly.

Oh that's rich...that's really rich S.H.A.D. Throughout my distinguished political career, I have been elected to multiple high-profile positions. Tell me S.H.A.D.....I know you are much more likely to be watching MTV than CNN, but do you understand how important looks are in politics? Charisma is important, but you have to have the physical and mental attributes to back it up.

Unfortunately, it seems that not only do you lack, well...any mental functionality, but your view of your own appearance is grossly overrated. You look like a cast-off from Jersey Shore if it was covered in oil and left out in the Texas sun for 3 days. Face it S.H.A.D....you can run all the miles you want, but this week on Monday Night Showdown, you will have nowhere left to hide.

[newarenanow]

All this tells me is that you realize you are ugly.

Oh that's rich...that's really rich S.H.A.D. Throughout my distinguished political career, I have been elected to multiple high-profile positions. Tell me S.H.A.D.....I know you are much more likely to be watching MTV than CNN, but do you understand how important looks are in politics? Charisma is important, but you have to have the physical and mental attributes to back it up.

Unfortunately, it seems that not only do you lack, well...any mental functionality, but your view of your own appearance is grossly overrated. You look like a cast-off from Jersey Shore if it was covered in oil and left out in the Texas sun for 3 days. Face it S.H.A.D....you can run all the miles you want, but this week on Monday Night Showdown, you will have nowhere left to hide.

While you are hanging out with your beautiful politicans like this:

Spoiler:

I will be enjoying this:

Spoiler:

Sorry the good lord took a crap in his hand and made it your face.

[canaan]

lets keep in line, boys. one promo/day.

[Sam's Drunk Dog]

The audience is shown clips of The Bridge riding in the back of a red Ford Mustang convertible at a parade in his honor in his hometown of Ambridge, PA. At the end of the parade, The Bridge is shown on a stage setup on the High School football field. The mayor presents him with a key to the city, and the High School Marching Band and Steel Drum Band is there to play The River and We are the Champions. The Bridge then is shown speaking to the crowd. He is dressed in his normal attire with the LGPWF Championship Belt around his waist. A clip of a portion of his speech to the crowd is played to the audience.

I've heard some of you express concern that Commissioner canaan has a problem with me after he sent his goon squad after me. I haven't had the chance to talk to the Commissioner so I am not sure of his motives. I am not worried. If he sends his goons after me again, they'll meet the same fate as last time. Steel to Asses! And anyone else that wants to get in my way of being champion will meet the same fate. And that includes the commissioner and his buddy Zane. BECAUSE! YOU! DON'T! CROSS! THE BRIDGE!

The clip ends with the crowd cheering loudly.

[steve784]

A man is seen from behind sitting in the booth of a diner. The waitress approaches.

Hey hun, how about a refill please? While you're at it, get yourself some soap and wooder and clean that 10 hour shift stench off....

Oh....so I guess you're here to see what I have to say about finally being allowed to compete in the LGPWF.

I'll admit, I watched Monday Night Showdown. What a joke. First off, it took place just down the street from my house in the Wells Fargo Center. You would think this would be the prime location for my debut. Nope. That jerk-off Canaan stalled my paperwork just long enough to prevent me from showing up.

He's not the only one I'm angry with. There were 18,000 Philadephians in that building on Monday. I may or may not have paid the scoreboard operator to make my presence known during the show, and those idiots cheered me and chanted my name. I don't want their cheers. I don't want their chants. These are the same buffoons that have cheered mediocrity in the city I hold so dear for the last 35+ years. Then once they were done doing that, they shifted their attention back to the unbelievably stupid PG WWE-lite show that Cannan produced for them.

That message I sent was meant for one reason and one reason only: to put the rest of the LGPWF on notice. When I finally arrive in the LGPWF, there won't be any laughing, there won't be any stupid gimmicks. I don't care if the person across the ring from me is some Hogan's Heroes reject, a computer geek or that piece of Western PA trash himself, The Bridge. I will show up, beat the crap out of someone, and leave. Sooner rather than later, the person I beat up is going to be the LGPWF champion, and I will take my rightful place at the top, and give my city it's first TRUE champion in a long, long time.

Dom Olney looks at his check, crumples it up and leaves laughing.

[Froggy]

{Johnny Zontal is walking around some sort of giant county fair with a huge thing of cotton candy}

you know, it is entirely appropriate to say that my brain is an ADD riddled pop culture sponge. looking at my upcoming match, there is a huuuge part of me that thinks i'm fighting a coked up 70's alien robin williams and teen wolf's wacky best friend. remember Boof? i liked her. she was way hotter than that blonde chick... pamela, i think? I think teen wolf is a much better 80's movie than back to the future, but back to the future is a better movie than teen wolf. does that make sense? oooh... leah thompson or boof? i honestly don't know how to answer that.

ahem... i'm sorry... it seems like my train of thought has yet again gone off its tracks. I have a match coming up. i need to focus. i just wish my opponents were more interesting. i have been studying all the film i can find on both, and it's just putting me to sleep. i hope it doesn't have the same effect on the fans, or else i will feel legitimately bad for not providing a good show. but if anyone is talented enough to drag a solid match out of these 2 slugs, it's me.

{hands thing of cotton candy to random onlooker}
i dont know what i was thinking with that sugary nonsense... i'm in training. i need to be a lean, mean something something machine if i want to beat what's his name and who cares mcgee. no more messing around. i'm going to go right to the gym and start working out hardcore... right after i go on the tilt-a-wirl!
{runs off screen}

[h00v3r]

Camera pans into a Dark Room with only one light in the back Corner flickering.

ZANE A. SYLUM sitting in a chair in a dark corner of what appears to be a boiler room like area.


They say you Don't know a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.... (Hellish chuckles) Well i like to think of it more as yo don't know a man until his foot caves your face in. I promise after this week you will all know exactly WHO I AM......AND NO ONE IS GOING TO LIKE IT!

I am going to take the champion and put him in a world that he has never seen before, to a dark dark place where only I HAVE COME BACK FROM. and once i do this I will prove to Canaan and ALL OF YOU WORTHLESS FANS that the age of solitary confinement is about to begin.

Once i take out the "champion" i will prove that the battle royal was in no way the start of my reign of terror over this company...AND I WILL HAVE PROVEN MY RIGHT TO A TITLE MATCH AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT THEY NEED TO FEAR ME...

pushes the camera man to the ground and the one light bulb in the room shatters and everything goes dark.

[redwill]

{In a Motel 6 room in the vicinity of Philadelphia, a camera catches part of the room. On the bed is a mostly naked man, recognizable as the LGPWF wrestler Stargazer only by his black, star-speckled mask.}

"Hardcore?" Stargazer yells to someone off camera. "HARDCORE?! I specifically told that fleshy commissioner that I would only do softcore. And then only if the pay was right. I'm here. Where is he? ... What? A wrestling match? A hardcore wrestling match? Oh, I see." Stargazer relaxes a bit.

"Thank God it's only that. ... What the hell is a hardcore wrestling match?"

{The camera cuts off.}

[shafnutz05]

Ahh S.H.A.D....it's a shame you have to stoop so low to make your pathetic attacks on my character. I've done more for this great country in one day than you have in your entire life. Tonight is the night I wipe that ****-eating grin off of your face, and establish my place at the top of the LGPWF card. Just think S.H.A.D...within a few months, you will be a bad caricature of a Jersey Shore character occasionally showing up for gimmick matches.

Your short-lived run comes to an abrupt end tonight, S.H.A.D. And I'll be happy to help it along in front of thousands of great Americans. God bless each and every one of you, and God bless this great country!

[redwill]

{The scene is a rural True Value Farm and Home store. A fantastically chiseled example of a masked male human being with penetrating eyes and a bulge that won't quit addresses the camera.}

Hardware. I love it. The tools of the trade. Normally I work with only pencil and paper -- and an occasional radio telescope -- in figuring out the mysteries of the universe. But today I look for items more useful in the work-a-day hardcore wrestling world. After all, wanton destruction of an unworthy opponent is easy. Astrophysics is hard. But let's look at our options.

The shovel. Great for banging over the head of the spiritualist or simply used for easy decapitation.

The crowbar. Essential for wrapping around the neck of the religious fanatic (it's best when you have biceps like Stargazer), or just bashing the be-Jesus out of his noggin.

The pitchfork. Quick disembowelment. Never a bad thing.

The lawnmower. Not really that useful unless your opponent is made of grass. We'll leave that one for now.

The shotgun. Heh heh. No, really ... heh heh.

These are but a few items available to the discerning farmer, homemaker, or astronomer/hardcore wrestler.


There are several things I have left behind and will not be using tonight:

- 20 oz. soft drinks (I heard you, Bloomberg!)
- Care
- Compassion
- Mercy
- Morality


In fact, my moral compass is in a twizzel. But LOOK TO THE STARS!

I just may bring out my often inaccurate MORAL SEXTANT!!!


And the LGPWF stars will tremble.

[Froggy]

You know, I like to challenge myself. I like to test my limits in and out of the ring. And since I don't feel particularly challenged by either Munson or Styles in the ring, I'm going to focus on challenging myself by talking about how bad they are. So without any further ado, here is a haiku about Morkle Munson...

You stupid A-hole
everybody here hates you
Why don't you give up?

And another one...

You look just like a
Slightly less purple version
Of that Grimace thing

Oh, and don't think I forgot about you, styles.

If you worked as hard
On fights as you do on girls
Less vd, more belts

And one more...
Sean, how did it feel
When I dropped you on your head
And mashed up your face?

and one more for the both of you...

As hard as you'll try
You will both get yourselves hurt...
I'LL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH!

[newarenanow]

Ahh S.H.A.D....it's a shame you have to stoop so low to make your pathetic attacks on my character. I've done more for this great country in one day than you have in your entire life. Tonight is the night I wipe that **** grin off of your face, and establish my place at the top of the LGPWF card. Just think S.H.A.D...within a few months, you will be a bad caricature of a Jersey Shore character occasionally showing up for gimmick matches.

Your short-lived run comes to an abrupt end tonight, S.H.A.D. And I'll be happy to help it along in front of thousands of great Americans. God bless each and every one of you, and God bless this great country!

Ronaldus Magmus, all you have done for this country is waste money blowing up people unlike ourselves here in America, killing their women and children, all in a search for those mythical "weapons of mass destruction".

Then again, maybe I should thank you. When I did my Middle East tour, some of those women and children may be mine. You are saving me some child support brotha!

Meanwhile, you are looking in the wrong place for those weapons. The biggest "weapon of mass destruction" is in my pants.